It was a debate Wolfram would have preferred avoiding, but things never turned out the way he wanted. Sweat glistened on his brow as he slowly crossed his right foot over his left… I think the transition between these two sentences is a bit choppy. Going from the nameless debate to the fight without explaining kind of threw me a bit. In general, the first two paragraphs didn’t really flow for me, and after I got to the end of the second paragraph I had to go back and reread them now that I had the setting clear in my mind. I would perhaps rearrange things slightly, describing the sweat on his brow and the concentration and mentioning that he was staring Gwendal down, and then possibly mention the debate?
I know I’m being VERY nitpicky, but hey, that’s me: in fighting, circling your opponent is possibly the worst battle strategy ever. As I learned in kendo/krav, you want to try to keep your balance uniform until you are attacking/defending, because moving makes you risk exactly what you said happened to Gwendal: a balance shift that gives the opponent the upper hand. I would suspect that both Wolfram and Gwendal are experienced enough at close quarter combat to not make that error.
unflappable expression and formal stance that was so characteristic of Gwendal That’s Gwen exactly! Nice imagery here. ^_^
Wolfram clenched his teeth for the tenth time… He had already seen about fourteen people While the teeth-clenching especially are great for IC Wolfram, my own beta taught me that rarely do people count things like that, so mentioning specific numbers seems a bit too…uh…specific. Little thing, but it helped me a lot as far as being true to stream of consciousness.
Those maids were definitely up to something again and it no doubt had to do with playing the odds. LOVE the maids, always! <3 They’re such great plot devices. ^^
It was the mazouku's favorite unofficial sport even though Yuuri was determined to change that to baseball of all things. While I can appreciate Wolfram’s views on baseball, the paragraph about it seemed out of place to me. I can’t put my finger on it, exactly…
They were hand picked especially for their unique ability to be proficient in both types of warfare. Not to mention the hot blond bishie-ness! ^_^ Nice detail, I really like Wolfram’s confidence in his troops is combined with his demands for perfection and hard training. ^^
It was getting old, that incessant murmur. Besides, everyone knew Gwendal no longer seriously practiced. I really love the subtle emotions in these lines. Wolfram’s pride and his desire not to fight his brother and irritation that his troops might be questioning him… love! ^^
When no one noticed the coiling energy, he shouted a single warning before flinging it into their mist. Hmm. On one hand, I love the picture of an evilly grinning Wolfram shooting fireballs at people. On the other, I don’t really know if he’d actually throw fire into a group of his men. He’s hot tempered, but also disciplined and in the anime he rarely throws magic around casually. But I do really love that mental picture… ^_^
He dashed in with his sword and gave two a thwack with the flat of his blade to their arms and backsides. “Come at me, if you think you can stop me!” There you go, I LOVE that line! So IC and just the kind of punishment Wolfram would dish out. ^^
What he didn't know was that a plan was already in motion to settle that question once and for all. There would be no escaping the duel once the maids had Yuuri on their side. What would start out as an exhibition for Yuuri's benefit would shortly turn into a full challenge. Since you specifically mentioned that you were trying to stay in third person limited, I should point out that this paragraph, while spectacular foreshadowing, really is more of a narrator POV. It’s hard to make the transition, I know, but thought I’d bring it up anyway. ^^
Continued, because I am longwinded... I know, shocker huh?
no subject
It was a debate Wolfram would have preferred avoiding, but things never turned out the way he wanted. Sweat glistened on his brow as he slowly crossed his right foot over his left…
I think the transition between these two sentences is a bit choppy. Going from the nameless debate to the fight without explaining kind of threw me a bit. In general, the first two paragraphs didn’t really flow for me, and after I got to the end of the second paragraph I had to go back and reread them now that I had the setting clear in my mind. I would perhaps rearrange things slightly, describing the sweat on his brow and the concentration and mentioning that he was staring Gwendal down, and then possibly mention the debate?
I know I’m being VERY nitpicky, but hey, that’s me: in fighting, circling your opponent is possibly the worst battle strategy ever. As I learned in kendo/krav, you want to try to keep your balance uniform until you are attacking/defending, because moving makes you risk exactly what you said happened to Gwendal: a balance shift that gives the opponent the upper hand. I would suspect that both Wolfram and Gwendal are experienced enough at close quarter combat to not make that error.
unflappable expression and formal stance that was so characteristic of Gwendal
That’s Gwen exactly! Nice imagery here. ^_^
Wolfram clenched his teeth for the tenth time… He had already seen about fourteen people
While the teeth-clenching especially are great for IC Wolfram, my own beta taught me that rarely do people count things like that, so mentioning specific numbers seems a bit too…uh…specific. Little thing, but it helped me a lot as far as being true to stream of consciousness.
Those maids were definitely up to something again and it no doubt had to do with playing the odds.
LOVE the maids, always! <3 They’re such great plot devices. ^^
It was the mazouku's favorite unofficial sport even though Yuuri was determined to change that to baseball of all things.
While I can appreciate Wolfram’s views on baseball, the paragraph about it seemed out of place to me. I can’t put my finger on it, exactly…
They were hand picked especially for their unique ability to be proficient in both types of warfare.
Not to mention the hot blond bishie-ness! ^_^ Nice detail, I really like Wolfram’s confidence in his troops is combined with his demands for perfection and hard training. ^^
It was getting old, that incessant murmur. Besides, everyone knew Gwendal no longer seriously practiced.
I really love the subtle emotions in these lines. Wolfram’s pride and his desire not to fight his brother and irritation that his troops might be questioning him… love! ^^
When no one noticed the coiling energy, he shouted a single warning before flinging it into their mist.
Hmm. On one hand, I love the picture of an evilly grinning Wolfram shooting fireballs at people. On the other, I don’t really know if he’d actually throw fire into a group of his men. He’s hot tempered, but also disciplined and in the anime he rarely throws magic around casually. But I do really love that mental picture… ^_^
He dashed in with his sword and gave two a thwack with the flat of his blade to their arms and backsides. “Come at me, if you think you can stop me!”
There you go, I LOVE that line! So IC and just the kind of punishment Wolfram would dish out. ^^
What he didn't know was that a plan was already in motion to settle that question once and for all. There would be no escaping the duel once the maids had Yuuri on their side. What would start out as an exhibition for Yuuri's benefit would shortly turn into a full challenge.
Since you specifically mentioned that you were trying to stay in third person limited, I should point out that this paragraph, while spectacular foreshadowing, really is more of a narrator POV. It’s hard to make the transition, I know, but thought I’d bring it up anyway. ^^
Continued, because I am longwinded...
I know, shocker huh?